Saturday, December 06, 2003
As i sit here thinking about why i don't want to sleep with my wife i was once enamored with i watch streaming video clips i have recorded of hot sexual encounters. I don't want to be married. I just want to have sex with a hot fucking women with a banging body until we are tired of each other. Then i want to find another woman (maybe two) and start all over again. Yes I haven't grown up. But it seems worse to do something dishonest and live one's life around this lie.
I read about that Chinese woman who's blog has all of China in an uproar. Slept with over 70 men. Doesn't want to committ to a relationship. Just wants to be completely visceral. I say jeez here's a 25 year old woman who verbalizes what i want and i am 46. Where is my courage. A woman i knew once called me a phoney. I think this is what she meant. I do things, not because i want to but because it's safe. And sometimes safe means doing absolutely nothing. But i am frustrated. I have desires unfulfilled. I am still quite virile if you get my drift, but am unable to exact pleasure from my present mate. Have an affair you say get a divorce you say. Sorry I have a step-daughter who right now needs me and if i were to leave it would leave me wrecked both emotionally and financially. Jeez. So no sex no love. My wife she wants a house but i want out. I can't keep up this pretense. I am such a coward. Whats the point of life? Somebody said to be happy. But i don't think so. Bruce Lee said One must always express oneself honestly. You think and you act in a way to express your thoughts. Of course without hurting others.
I read about that Chinese woman who's blog has all of China in an uproar. Slept with over 70 men. Doesn't want to committ to a relationship. Just wants to be completely visceral. I say jeez here's a 25 year old woman who verbalizes what i want and i am 46. Where is my courage. A woman i knew once called me a phoney. I think this is what she meant. I do things, not because i want to but because it's safe. And sometimes safe means doing absolutely nothing. But i am frustrated. I have desires unfulfilled. I am still quite virile if you get my drift, but am unable to exact pleasure from my present mate. Have an affair you say get a divorce you say. Sorry I have a step-daughter who right now needs me and if i were to leave it would leave me wrecked both emotionally and financially. Jeez. So no sex no love. My wife she wants a house but i want out. I can't keep up this pretense. I am such a coward. Whats the point of life? Somebody said to be happy. But i don't think so. Bruce Lee said One must always express oneself honestly. You think and you act in a way to express your thoughts. Of course without hurting others.
